Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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