I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
