He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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