you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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