Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
