she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
