There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
