i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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