If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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