I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
