My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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