do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just googled if crying burns calories
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I could fuck to npr.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
