if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
