Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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