I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
