looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
