He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
