I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
a search helicopter?!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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