I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
