Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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