she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
