do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
