he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she peed on how many people?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
