i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
