everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
