Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
