my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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