i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
