im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
