I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
