You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
