They should really pass out barf bags in church
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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