I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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