My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
