If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
