just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
