Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.