i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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