my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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