I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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