I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
