Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
