The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
