his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
