I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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