She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
