doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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