My hand turned me down
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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