When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
