Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
