Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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