your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
