i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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