He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
