i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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