you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
