Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
