My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
