You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
