I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
