I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
