Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
