just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
