I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
