the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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