Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
