last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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